Tuesday, April 17, 2018

When you're in a fix

just call for the men in tights!

Well... those are two of her spanking aprons, anyway.  She has more.

You never know when you'll need to do some sudden washing up in the middle of the night.

Hmm..  Turned out they don't have a vibrator at the reception desk, but they sent up a couple of their room service guys anyway and they were able to sort the problem out, so that was OK.  Pretty impressive customers service, I'd say.

Now you see that's just typical of my wife - she sends me out to buy the stuff but doesn't tell me what she wants it for!  Now I'm going to have to buy both - she hasn't heard the last of this, you know!

The magic's still there.

Friday, April 13, 2018

I beg to differ

... but she rarely lets me.

I don't want to do anything she disapproves of.  It's too painful.

Always expect the unexpected. Except on this blog, where we ran out of ideas years ago and just keep recycling the same old tropes.

It's only a small bottle, but they deliver them in packs of 24, annoyingly.

Sure, darling, of course, I... do you know, I don't seem to have a pen with me?  What a shame, I'll just - what's that? You have one with you, darling?  Oh. Oh good.  Right.  So I just sign...?  There.  Right.

Mmm... blackmail fetish and schoolgirl play combined!  Lots of fun.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Demeaningful statements

Not much of a twist in the storyline in that caption I'll admit, but sometimes the expression is just, perfectly right.

And they say romance is dead.

Watch out for the bottom-pinchers.

If they manage to catch him and chain him up again, I expect they'll work out their anger together.

Don't be afraid to give in to your feelings, Diana.  Do not try to fight who you are.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Reality show

What am I wearing?  You want to know what I’m wearing you fucking pervert?

OK, I’m wearing a check shirt and a pair of loose jeans.  What?  No, I’m not going to tell you what underwear, asswipe.  But it’s functional: cotton, you know.
What, you thought I’d put on something sexy just to do this phone sex call?  Fuck you!

Oh, I see, you want me to lie?  You want me to tell you I’m just lounging here in some kind of fetish fantasy garb, hmm…?  Leather bra… big thigh-high boots for you to lick, maybe?  You’d like that, huh?

Not going to happen, loser.  You’re paying to jerk off, you’re gonna jerk off to me just as I am.  Jeans, check shirt… no make-up.  And I’m sitting on a bus, I’m going grocery shopping.  I need to stock up on tampons, cos it's my period and I'm almost out?  And you have… oh I dunno, like two minutes before it’s my stop and I end the call, so if you’re gonna jerk off do it now, asshole.

Hmm?  Yeah, the bus is pretty crowded.  You tugging?  Up-down-up-down-updownupodownup…

Hurry up, just pulling out from the stop before the mall.

Updownupdowntugtugtugtugtugtugtugtugtug?  Oh. 

There.  Was that special for you, hun?  Hope so, cos it’s all you’re ever going to get.

Oh, and tribute’s going up by another 40% next month, creep.  And tell that fucking bank of yours if they’re a day late again, you’re gonna have to go three months without hearing your Goddess’s voice, yeah?

Yeah, I know you worship me, creep.  That’s because I’m female and talk to you occasionally.  Don’t forget – 40%.   

Now fuck off.

"Hmm?  Yeah, sure I'm wearing gloves and boots. It's cold here in Buffalo, moron."

The lovely lady featured in this story is Goddess Rodea, of the American Mean Girls (they seem to have branched out beyond Miami and might even have rebranded again), who really do just sit around in sexy lingerie all day,  doing unpleasant things to males.  But this caller doesn't need to know that and I won't tell him if you don't, OK?

Friday, April 6, 2018

She's pure as New York snow

and if you're lucky I expect she'll tease you.

I expect she was just joking.  Like the castration stuff - you shouldn't take her too seriously when she says things like that.

Well, OK, as long as I don't have to try to be brave.

So she should.

It worked on the first seven males she encountered.  Not the brightest, human males, are they?

Two lonely people... why not give it a go? What's the worst that can happen?

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Doing it Her way

He doesn't look very brave.

Actually, men in relationships always hate it when their partners throw out their stuff. I remember the day my SO sent all my clothes to the charity shop.  I cried for days at the time but She told me I'd thank Her for it eventually, and so of course I did.

Hmm. I wonder if I should ask him to pay some of the cost... this wasn't cheap and he got all the fun.

He's lucky. I have to fill a whole page with silver or gold stars to earn any kind of reward.

Yes, best to keep it vanilla at first.  And then you can move on to more adventurous play when you get to know each other a little better.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Violence is golden

Actually, I understand a day is like a whole beetle year.  So in beetle years, you've got, what... 6 minutes left, maybe longer?  And it's not like you'll be dying all in one go, anyway.

I don't have any secret embarassing thoughts about women. They're all laid out here, for all to see,

A little food goes a long way in the OWK.

Cherishing's very important.  She's going to insist on lots of that.

It's silly to be afraid of the sea, anyway.  You know, you can drown in just a few inches of water, right?  Especially with handcuffs on.  My SO told me that once and likes to remind me of it from time to time. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

They can beg and they can plead

...but they can't see the light.

Are you sitting uncomfortably?  Then she'll begin.

You're actually already halfway through the session. Might as well finish off.

Good.  Good.  I expect she'll be chucking away all those dusty old wine bottles in the cellar and filling up the racks with some nice fresh sparkling wine with cheerful labels, too.

If it's any consolation to him, after her friend has finished the face-slapping session tomorrow, he will look like a house elf.

As it happens, the second guy from the front is the Financial Director of one of the biggest German pension and insurance conglomerates.  He's wondering whether he should say something here - but by now he's probably got more sense.

Friday, March 23, 2018


When I first started dating my SO, I'd often finish before She had a chance to come, but now things are more under control She typically has oh... two, three...maybe even four hundred orgasms before that happens.

It's always embarassing when men have to go to what's basically a girls' night out, isn't it? You kind of stand around awkwardly, watching the wives roaring with laughter while you make polite converation about ironing tips and suchlike.  Women are just better at social events... it's because they've got more empathy.


Life will be a lot simpler.  You can do as she says or starve.

Big decision.  Don't pressure her, OK?

I'm down on my hands and knees.  Point me to the broken glass.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

A fairy-tale romance

... with me as the frog.

She's trying to de-clutter.

Should last her until the spring, her favourite time of the year, when the first fresh green nettles start to arrive.

It's probably that damn dog.  The same one that keeps stealing her used underwear.

It's a service industry.

I guess she would.  Vigorously, immediately and without mercy.